In my quest to be more transparent, this post has been difficult for me to write and may seem a bit whiny at first. Please bear with me...I actually have a point that I am trying to make. *Also, it's important for me to say that I have many wonderful friends that bless me just by being part of my life!!!*
The past year has been a time of growth, self-reflection, and healing. It has been tough but rewarding. However, this week has been a particularly difficult one for me. I feel that God has been speaking to my heart things that I didn't want to hear. I feel like a child covering her ears and saying "Lalalalala...I can't hear you!"
The saying goes..."People come into your life for a reason and a season."
Can I be honest and say that I hate this saying?! I agree with it but I hate that this is true. When I love someone, I love them...warts and all. Here is the hard part for me...I give too much of myself...then expect the same in return! If this doesn't happen, I am deeply wounded...and I mean deeply! I take this as a personal rejection. Then I hold onto anger, bitterness, and resentment...for WAY too long. I sometimes choose people that are unable to give back what is given to them. That being said, some people have come into my life...and left. When people leave, whether by my choice, their choice, or a mutual agreement, it hurts.
"God doesn't give you the people you want, he gives you the people you need. To help you, to hurt you, to leave you, to love you, and to make you the person you were meant to be"
Now, for the growth part...my filter is broken...in many ways! One is in the way that I choose those that I place closest to me. The other is in the ways that I "hear" what others say. I have been at places in my life in which I simply was unable to be there for anyone else. I was selfish! Aren't we all at various times in our lives? I have been at this place at times...and I have lost friends because of it. This didn't make me a bad person...just as it doesn't make anyone else a bad person. Let me also clarify that being in a "selfish" place is not necessarily a bad place. Often times, I feel that God places us there...as a time for growth. Growth is an individual thing...no other person can help you with it or tell you how to do it. It is just God and you! For me, these times are painful and lonely. It feels like a caterpillar in a cocoon. The beauty of this is what happens on the other side. We emerge as a beautiful butterfly. Unfortunately and luckily, unlike a butterfly, we will go back into the cocoon for growth and change again...and again...and again!
I am thankful for those that have come and gone from my life. I do have many friends that have been there for 5...10...or 20 years! Do I miss the ones that have left? Absolutely! I was emotionally invested in their lives. So many times, my heart aches to have them in my life again.
Do I see why God removed them from my life? Absolutely! Growth is hard ...and sometimes certain relationships stunt the growth of both parties.
Do I hold anger, resentment, and hurt toward these people? I wish that I could say that I have let go of all of that. I am proud to say that I have let go of A LOT of that...and am working daily to let go of all of it. My prayer is that I will always easily forgive...let go and let God.
I am a work in progress! I am not a bad person and neither were my friends. I am so thankful for the lessons that God has taught me through each and every person that has been in my life. I know that He has a plan for me, and I know that He will continue to put people in my life to touch my heart and soul so that he can mold me! I am so blessed that He lets me keep some of them!
