Stillness

I realized today that the only time I have stillness in my life and in my mind is when I am sleeping. One of my "wishes" this year was to start each day with prayer and meditation. Hmmmm...apparently I am failing on this one.

Everyone has internal dialogue. Often I wonder if the chitter-chatter in everyone else's head is as busy as mine. I can carry on an entire conversation inside my head without actually saying a word. Sometimes the dialogue is positive, comforting, and peaceful. Sometimes not so much! But...I am working on it. Remember, one of my wishes is being more positive.

Above all, I need stillness in my life. That relaxing, quiet time for nothingness. I have realized that I am a human "do-er". I want to learn how to just be a human "be-ing". Time to just "be" is what I yearn for. I want to have time to actually hear my thoughts, have time to listen to what God has planned for me, or time to listen to nature.

Now, where is that volume button to silence all of those voices in my head?

Sometimes family is what you make it

This weekend, I visited an old friend of which I lost contact for about 6 years. We had a wonderful time and only stopped talking long enough to catch our breath. It's amazing how I had not seen her for so long and we just pick right back up from where we left off. Neither one of us had any hard feelings or awkwardness for the lack of communication for so many years. We talked about EVERYTHING...and I mean EVERYTHING! I didn't feel as if I was being judged or misunderstood or like I was offending her. It was comfortable and relaxing. In short, I felt like love.

When my plane landed back at home, my husband and daughters were so happy to see me. They had truly missed me! What I realized is that they need me...not for what I do for them...but because they need my love. I would like to think, that when one of our family members is away, it feels like a missing piece to our puzzle. They love me because I am part of our family. We are a unit. I am part of them! That feels good.

Sometimes we don't grow up with the family that we dream of having. Sometimes our family loves us the best way that they can, but it still hurts. Our family may not "look" like what we thought it would be. It may be the family that you have created through marriage, children, or friendship.

Love shouldn't hurt. Love should be comfortable, relaxing, considerate, accepting, and free of judgement. In short, it should feel like love. And sometimes...family and love are exactly what you make them!

A few random thoughts...

First, I have really good news! I got on the scale today and it said...*insert drum roll*...165!!! Woohoo! Now, if you go by the 171 that I weighed when we got back from CA (for once the bigger number works for me!), then that means that I have lost 6 lbs. I am not noticing a big change in the way I look, and that's OK. I am so excited to see the number on the scale go down.

Next, my oldest daughter got her very first sports bra today. Oh my! She can't be that old yet. She was grinning from ear-to-ear. I, on the other hand, was not. How can my baby need any type of bra?

Finally, I am going out of town tomorrow to visit a dear friend that I haven't seen in YEARS!!! It was so cute tonight because my husband was a little sad to see me go. It's nice to know that he is going to miss me...maybe even be a little "lost" without me. That's nice. Just knowing that someone will miss you and likes having you around. As I get older, the little things are much more important and appreciated. Things like:
*Lying on one of my kids beds and just chatting
*REALLY true friends that love you no matter how much you weigh, how much money you make, whether you have a bad haircut, or you clothes don't match. True friends will still be seen in public with you! LOL
*Good communication with your spouse
*Being greeted at the door with sloppy kisses from your dog (or dogs in my case)

I guess just basically being loved. It makes me want to be a better person that is deserving of these things. It makes me want to be a better wife, mother, and friend. I know that the wonderful people in my life will love me no matter what but I still want to feel worthy of all of their love...and I'm pretty sure that I am! :0)

I hope it's worth it!

Today was my first day on my Weight Watchers plan. It sucked! I know...I'm not being positive. It's probably because I am sooooooo darn HUNGRY!!! The plan has me only eating 23 points a day.

This is what I ate today:
Breakfast: Protein Shake: 3 points
Lunch: California Chicken Salad w/1 oz. dressing: 11 points
Snack: Banana: 2 points
Dinner: Chicken Salad: 6 points
Glass of milk: 2 points
Total points: 24 points
***I rode my bike for 40 minutes so I got 2 FREE points so I ended the day with 1 extra point***

Ok, I don't know about you but I don't think ANYONE can live everyday on what I ate today. I know me too well...I will break by the end of the week. I will be so hungry that I will gorge myself with everything that I haven't had all week. Luckily, there are 35 points built in for the week. Meaning, you get 35 points to use however you want. I can eat all of them in one meal, one day, or spread them out throughout the week. However, once they are gone...that's it! I'm saving mine for my visit to my friend's house this weekend.

I'm going to the WW center in my area tomorrow. I must be doing something wrong. There is no way that I can eat like that everyday. Well, I guess I could...but I wouldn't have any friends left because I would be so mean!

I'm not real sure about this

I went to my first Weight Watchers meeting tonight. It was very interesting. Learning about the points and what foods I need to eat daily. Having a "road map" is very helpful for me. I wish that I could say that I already knew this stuff. Maybe I do and I just don't do it. Whatever the situation, now I have a plan. Have I mentioned that I am a planner? I am also a "recovering" perfectionist. It's very easy to let the details take over. I have to remember that "it's progress, not perfection" and take it "one day at a time".

Although my body feels stronger than it has felt in years, these extra 20 lbs that I have packed on in the last 12 months are weighing me down. (No pun intended! LOL) My fingers are crossed, I am wishing on shooting stars, and saying my prayers. Right now, I would be happy to just see the scale go down a pound or two and STAY THERE!

I have to admit, when I first went in there, I was hoping that someone would say that I didn't need to be there. No such luck! They weighed me and took my money with no questions ask. I really wish that this skinny girl in my head would go away because it's really confusing the person in the mirror.

The first mile is always the hardest!

I hate the first mile of every run! There...I said it! During that first mile, I feel like I have the devil (aka "Slacker") on one shoulder and an angel (aka "Cheerleader) on the other. The internal arguments can get brutal!

"Slacker" speaks my language! She is always trying to convince me that I don't have to meet my daily running goal or that I don't need to be running anyway. I mean, it's HOT out there right now! It's July...in the South!

Thank goodness for the "Cheerleader". She gently cheers me on by telling me to just run one more mile or telling me that "I can do it!". Sometimes it's as simple as make it to the speed limit sign, or the next telephone pole. Whatever "she" needs to do to keep me going.

This mind game usually goes on throughout the entire first mile, and sometimes the entire run. Luckily, the "Cheerleader" usually wins which surprises me because I see myself more as a "Slacker" when it comes to exercise.

As I am running today and thinking about this, it dawns on me that this "mind game" happens everyday in real life. We "see" ourselves a certain way. That becomes "who we are". Words and thoughts are powerful. What you believe and say becomes real. However, if we push ourselves outside of our comfort zone, it's amazing what we can accomplish. The hardest part is getting off the couch, putting on our running shoes, and challenging and believing in ourselves. Once you get through that first mile, it always gets easier. Whether or not we succeed is determined by which voice we listen to...the "Cheerleader" or the "Slacker".

Hmm...so to be honest

Yesterday is the first day that I have blogged since May. I was looking back at some of the other blogs (which I only have 6 others) and realized that I am slacking on my wishes. I am very proud of some of the ones that I have completed or am working on daily. However, there are so many that I forgot about. I have been told that you need to post these in areas that you will see them daily. So, that's what I am going to do...tomorrow! Just kidding! hahaha! See...I am a procrastinator at heart!

My next confession is that I am a sugar addict! There...I've said it! Now that I am attempting to reconnect with my inner athlete, I have been taking a hard look at my diet. Sugar is my "go to" food. If I have had a bad day, sad day, happy day...well, you get the picture! So, I have made a decision to give up sugar for 30 days. I want to see if I feel better, lose weight, etc. Today is day 2 and I am struggling. I miss my Debbie Cakes, Reese's pieces, cookies...*heavy sigh*! I feel like I have lost a dear friend. What is wrong with me?

Here's the part that I have been putting off. Although I have been working out AT LEAST 3 times a week (unless my doctor has me on exercise restriction) AND improved my eating habits (except for the sugar habit thing) AND quit smoking, I have not lost ANY weight. I have actually gained a total of 5 pounds. So...I am going to start posting my weight!!! AHHHHHHHH!!!! I am joining Weight Watchers next week. Hopefully, I will be able to report LOSSES. Ok, I keep putting it off. My start weight is 170 lbs!!! That hurt just to type it. Why is it so hard for me to report my weight but not a problem to report my age???

What I learned from our summer vacation...

We just got back from our family vacation to California. I cannot begin to tell you how excited I was for WEEKS before we left. I had visions in my head of sun, surf, and sand. It's all I could think about for weeks. Well...we get there...and...it's cloudy and cold in JULY! What the mess??? We actually had to buy sweatshirts and sweatpants. Our plane landed on Tuesday midday. By Wednesday, I realized that there would be no sun, surf, and sand. I am embarrassed to admit that I was depressed and snippy and angry! I stayed that way for the ENTIRE day. Then it dawned on me...I had WASTED one day of my long awaited vacation. So, I was at a crossroads. I could keep pouting about something that I could not control (I couldn't change the weather) or I could make "lemons out of lemonade". Luckily for all involved, I chose the latter of the two. Oh my...the fun we had!!!

First, my husband rented a Mercedes and we headed to LA. On the way, and at the last minute, we decided to go to Venice Beach instead. The girls had no idea what to expect next. We stayed at The Hotel California. Our headboards were shaped like surfboards. We then rented bicycles and biked down to the famous Venice Beach strip. Wow! There were so many interesting people down there. We saw a couple of sideshows, did LOTS of people watching, and ate some good food. At first, the girls were scared but, eventually, they adjusted. That night we went to the pier, played games, and rode the Ferris wheel. The next day, my oldest daughter and I went to Trapeze School! I would have NEVER even known about it had the weather been different. We had so much fun and took lots of pictures. Then, we went to Malibu for lunch and headed over to Hollywood after that. We went on one of those cheesy tours of the "stars' homes". We froze our butts off but had fun anyway.

That night, as I was tucking my happy, exhausted girls into bed, I realized what an amazing experience that we all had! If the sun had been shining, we would NEVER have gone on our "adventure". We would have just sat on the beach all day. Me: working on my tan and reading...My hubby: surfing...My kiddos: playing in the ocean by themselves. (Side note: the water in CA is too cold for me. My hubby would have gotten in the water and played with the kiddos) Mostly, though, we would not have had the quality family time that we experienced.

So, what I learned is...many times in life, reality does not meet our expectations. Many times, God has other plans for us. Sometimes we get lemons and they are sour! So, we have a choice to make: sour lemons or sweet lemonade? I thank the good Lord for helping us to choose lemonade and having such a wonderful family vacation full of amazing memories!