That small still whisper...

I used to hear people talk about God speaking to them. Since this had never happened to me, I couldn't understand it. When I thought about what this "looked/sounded" like, I expected it to be very clear. I expected His voice to sound like James Earl Jones because that just makes sense. He's got that strong voice that sounds like it means business. So, I would pray and wait to hear JEJ's voice....NOTHING! Not even JEJ whispering!

When my husband and I were separated three years ago, I distinctly heard His voice. It didn't sound ANYTHING like James Earl Jones. In fact, if I hadn't been listening, I would have missed it. It truly was a small still whisper. I KNEW that it was Him speaking because I knew that I would never had that thought on my own.

Since then, I have heard God's small still whisper numerous times. I don't think that I am anymore special than anyone else and I don't think that I am any better than the previous "me"...I just think that I am listening for the right voice this time.

A couple of years ago, He kept telling me that I needed to trust Him more. In order to do that, He ask specific things of me...things that did not fit into MY plan. Each time, I would go to Mo and tell him what God was asking of me. Each time, he would say "Ok, well, that really doesn't sound like something that He would ask of you...of us. Are you sure that's what you are hearing because it doesn't make sense?" So, I would go back to God and say "Are you sure because see...I like THINGS! I like STUFF! This thing that you are asking would greatly reduce my ability to have these things."

After I made a great big heaping mess of things, we decided to listen...we decided to be OBEDIENT to His command. What I realized is MY way is not best! Did I just admit that I was WRONG? Yes, I did...I was very wrong! When I use the power of ME, the outcome is never good. His plan, although it may not make sense to me, is always better for me.

Now Mo has come to me saying that God is speaking to Him...asking something even more difficult from Him...from us. My first response is to say "Are you sure that's what you are hearing because it doesn't make sense"? But we have tried that before...and it didn't work out so well.

We are both praying for direction right now. We are both listening for His small still whisper. We are waiting patiently...and being still...for His answer and His guidance. We are praying that He opens the doors needed to bring this command to fruition. Can you pray with us and for us? I know this is very vague but we are trying to understand what He is asking.

All we know is it's gonna be a game changer!

Be careful what you wish for...

About a year ago, I asked God to show me my "ugly". I asked Him to point out the sin in my heart...and help heal me. Be careful what you wish for!

It is so easy to sit back and point out the flaws and imperfections of others. What is difficult is to ask Him to show me my flaws and my imperfections...the sins of my heart. Isn't He the only one that has a right to judge? Isn't He the one that we all ultimately want to please?

During this time, I have also been praying for a specific thing. This thing is something that I want as desperately as the breath that I breathe. I have been VERY specific about this thing that I want, and have been praying for the specific details of it. When you pray, you are supposed to be very specific, right? He will either give you what you pray for or He will change your heart about it. So, I guess that I SHOULD also pray that He changes my heart if it is not His will. However, I want this thing so badly that I keep praying that He wants it for me too! :O)

This has been challenging. It has been difficult to admit to these ugly parts of me. Thankfully God is gentle and loving. He has shown the unforgiveness that festers in my heart, the pride that keeps others from being able to enter, and the insecurities that keep me from reaching out to others. This is such a toxic combination.

After seeing this, I asked Him to heal it...to heal ME! I asked Him to show me how to heal these things and what the opposite of these things looks like. Growing up, I wasn't given a good example of what that looks like. I was taught unforgiveness, resentment, and pride. I was taught other things that were good also, just not these particular things that I need to be healed.

So, gently, God is showing me these things...and slowly, I am learning. Like a toddler learning to walk, I often fall. I will continue to get back up and try again until these lessons take root in my soul. God had given me wonderful people that speak truth to me and show me where I can find the answers in His word. He has provided opportunities and experiences that show me love and forgiveness and humility.

Like Hosea 2:6-7 states, He has surrounded me with thorn bushes right now to protect me from myself so that I will seek Him with all my heart. In Hosea 2:14, it states He will lead me and speak tenderly to me.

He has spoken very tenderly to me. He told me that I am not ready for this thing that I have asked for. He is not done healing me, molding me, and preparing me...

...So, I will wait patiently...

Mold away, you amazing potter...My soul craves it!!!