Be careful what you wish for...

About a year ago, I asked God to show me my "ugly". I asked Him to point out the sin in my heart...and help heal me. Be careful what you wish for!

It is so easy to sit back and point out the flaws and imperfections of others. What is difficult is to ask Him to show me my flaws and my imperfections...the sins of my heart. Isn't He the only one that has a right to judge? Isn't He the one that we all ultimately want to please?

During this time, I have also been praying for a specific thing. This thing is something that I want as desperately as the breath that I breathe. I have been VERY specific about this thing that I want, and have been praying for the specific details of it. When you pray, you are supposed to be very specific, right? He will either give you what you pray for or He will change your heart about it. So, I guess that I SHOULD also pray that He changes my heart if it is not His will. However, I want this thing so badly that I keep praying that He wants it for me too! :O)

This has been challenging. It has been difficult to admit to these ugly parts of me. Thankfully God is gentle and loving. He has shown the unforgiveness that festers in my heart, the pride that keeps others from being able to enter, and the insecurities that keep me from reaching out to others. This is such a toxic combination.

After seeing this, I asked Him to heal it...to heal ME! I asked Him to show me how to heal these things and what the opposite of these things looks like. Growing up, I wasn't given a good example of what that looks like. I was taught unforgiveness, resentment, and pride. I was taught other things that were good also, just not these particular things that I need to be healed.

So, gently, God is showing me these things...and slowly, I am learning. Like a toddler learning to walk, I often fall. I will continue to get back up and try again until these lessons take root in my soul. God had given me wonderful people that speak truth to me and show me where I can find the answers in His word. He has provided opportunities and experiences that show me love and forgiveness and humility.

Like Hosea 2:6-7 states, He has surrounded me with thorn bushes right now to protect me from myself so that I will seek Him with all my heart. In Hosea 2:14, it states He will lead me and speak tenderly to me.

He has spoken very tenderly to me. He told me that I am not ready for this thing that I have asked for. He is not done healing me, molding me, and preparing me...

...So, I will wait patiently...

Mold away, you amazing potter...My soul craves it!!!