Go with me!

I am nervous about writing this particular post. I am so worried that I won't do it justice but I feel that it needs to be written. Please, Lord, give me the words.

Tomorrow will be 8 years since my father passed away. This is the story of the gift that he left us in his last hours on this Earth...

Hospice was called in. He was brought home from the hospital so that he could die his way...with dignity...in his own bed.

On January 10 around 12:30 a.m., it started. He woke all of us because he had a story to tell. A story that would take almost 4 hours. He would talk a little and sleep a little.

He asked if we heard the train. "Woooo...woooo...woooo!" He looked at my mom and said "Well, I guess that I had better get on". When the ride ended, he was at the bottom of the mountain. As he exited the train, he looked at all of us and said:

"This is the most beautiful place that I have ever seen. The flowers are every color of the rainbow. The sky is the bluest that you have ever seen. The smell is like nothing that I have ever smelled."

"There is a cherry tree. It's been blown down but it still smells so wonderful."

"Do you hear that? The angels are singing. The sound is like candy to my ears. I can't believe how magnificent this is."

My dad always had an amazing way of telling a story. Everyone wanted to hear every word. He took you to that time, that place, that feeling. This time was no different.

Our spouses were called in...knowing that his time was coming to an end. He started telling them of the beauty that he was experiencing. "Oh, and the women...they are gorgeous...hoochie, hoochie" Now, as much as I know that this is inappropriate, I felt the need to add it...because...well, if you knew my dad, then you understand. He could always appreciate a beautiful woman! We all got a good laugh from that.

When he got to the top of the mountain, he could see a huge feast at the bottom but wasn't quite sure how to get there. About that time, he said "Oh, Bubba is here . He is going to help me." Bubba was my cousin that died when he was about 17 years old.

As they walked, my dad talked about the people and things that he would see. All of the people were acquaintances that he had met throughout his life, but not family members. When he got to the bottom of the mountain, he talked about the long line. He said "Well, I guess I should get in line."

Another thing about my dad is he LOVED to cook. He LOVED food! He loved to cook for others. While he was standing in line, he kept telling us about all of the foods that were on the feast tables.

Then...he was there...at the "pearly gates". He stretched his arms out in front of him, looked at my mom and said "Oh, Patty...he's gorgeous. He's reaching his arms out for me". My mom told him that he needed to go. But he couldn't...

My dad loved life...he loved us...he loved God. He still had one more thing to do. He loved to talk to people about Jesus and how much He loves us. He would witness to anyone that would listen...and even those that wouldn't! This was his final witnessing moment...

He looked at each one of us individually and said "Go with me!" At the time, we thought he was scared because he didn't want to leave us. We told him that he had to go alone. He kept saying..."Go with me!" Each of us told him that we would come but at another time.

Finally, he started talking about loved ones that he saw. He saw his dad and mom. Then he got very emotional. He saw her...and she was whole...and she was healthy. "It's Joy. Mom has her." Joy was his 1st daughter that died when she was 3 days old. She had a birth defect. Doctors were unable to save her.

We all told him to go, we would be alright, and would see him again. There wasn't a dry eye in the room. It was the most emotional moment that I have ever had the privilege to experience.

With that, he closed his eyes and passed over.

Some people wonder if there is a heaven or a God. Because of this GIFT that my father gave me, I KNOW there is a heaven and a God because I got to experience it. When my dad was asking us to go with him, what he meant was "Make sure that you go with me. Make sure that you accept God as your savior".

He loved us so much that he wanted to be sure that he saw us again. I think that he loved us almost as much as God does. That's a whole lot of love.

I tell this story because I think it needs to be told...

and also to say...

"Go with me!"

Memorymaking

Tonight I asked my oldest daughter, Lauren, what one of her favorite memories was? She said it was the time that my mom and I took her sister and her to Gatlinburg. Then I remembered "The Picture".

I had to find it!!!

Now, look a little closer...

As you can see, it's probably not her sister's favorite memory. Lexie did NOT want to ride that roller coaster but she did it anyway.

I have been with my husband for 16 years, and I love how he tells the same stories over and over. Occasionally (or should I say rarely) he tells a story that I have never heard. Usually, though, it's the same stories. Like the time that his family got a cat. This cat apparently had some emotional issues, and his mom told them that they had to get rid of it. So, she piled her kids in the car, drove down to the pet store...here's the funny part...my husband got out of the car with the cat, opened the door to the pet store, tossed (gently) the cat inside, ran back to the car, and they took off!

Some of my favorite memories are like little sniplets of time in my mind: watching a volcano explosion on my honeymoon in Costa Rica, having lunch dates with Lauren before Lexie was born, and snuggling on the couch with Lexie when she was 3 watching her favorite show, Lazy Town. Lexie talks about those snuggle times often. I think they are her favorite memories also.

For me, memorymaking is about family, friends and love. We don't always set out to make a memory. They often happen when we least expect it. They become etched in my mind and on my heart. I feel warm and fuzzy when I talk about these times in our life.

Memories make a life...good, bad, or indifferent. Everyday we have an opportunity to create a story that makes up our life. My goal is to create a long list of memories for those that I love...that write a story of a life full of love and lived to the fullest. I hope that I instill these feelings in my children too.

Live a life full of memories...

Get on that roller coaster...even if you are scared to death!!!

What is your favorite memory?

Difficult People

"We should love one another" 1 John 3:10

There are people in my life that are difficult to love. No matter how much I limit my time with them or am around them, I have a difficult time loving them. I dread seeing them. I dislike how just their presence creates tension in my world. I abhor how I allow them to make me feel.

I have tried praying...I have tried ignoring...I have tried kindness. What I have found is that I can't force it...I just don't like spending time with them.

In light of my last post and my 2012 mantra of "Living in Love", I need to figure this out. My heart is not speaking from love.

"For God is greater than our hearts, and he knows everything" 1 John 3:19

1 John discusses loving one another. This is a chapter that I will be reading...and rereading this year. I need it to pour into my soul. I need to feel it...to believe it.

"We love because He first loved us" 1 John 3:20

God loves me so much that He sent his only son to die for MY sins. He loves me so much that there is a place in His heart that only I can fill! ME?! How is that possible?

I can be difficult to love at times. I can be moody. I can be angry and hateful. Who isn't? But...He still loves me. He shows grace to ME!

Who am I to think that it is not my responsibility to extend the same grace to others...to these difficult to love people?

So I will continue to pray...pray for them...pray for me...continue to ask God to soften those hard places in my heart. I will continue to "act as if" these things are completed in me...until I no longer have to act...because...now...I love these people...and see them as children of God that are hurting. Then I will pray that God heals them and softens the hard places on their hearts.

Or maybe...I have it wrong...maybe I need to pray both things at the same time.

How do you deal with difficult people?

Living in Love

"Let your gentleness be evident to all" Philippians 4:5

My mission statement for 2012 is "Living in Love". I want to be more loving. I recently read the following prayer: God please soften the hard places of my hearth.

There are definitely hard places that are in need of being softened in my heart.

"God has not given us a spirit of fearfulness, but one of power, love and sound judgement"
2 Timothy 1:7

The bible states that we are not to be fearful. Today I read both the Philippians verse and the 2 Timothy one. This is confusing to me and speaks to my heart at the same time. Gentleness and not showing fear feel like an oxymoron to me. Gentleness can feel like vulnerability...vulnerability can feel like weakness...weakness can feel like fear. However, I love how God put this out there for me to see it. If I want to "Live in Love", it will take a fearless spirit to show my gentleness.

I asked God to take my life and use me for His will...to help me by emptying me of me & filling me with Him. Basically, help me, Lord, to let go of my control on my life. Help me by speaking to me and guiding me for Your plans for me.

Then I read Isaiah 48:17:
"I am the Lord your God
Who teaches you what is best for you
who directs you in the way you should go"

From today's devotional , I got the following: gentleness, fearlessness, and allow God to teach me. If I release my control and allow God to guide my life, He will show me how to be fearlessly gentle.

Wow...powerful stuff! How blessed am I to be loved by a God that speaks to my heart so that He can smooth over the rough spots?

Filters, Growth, and Forgiveness

In my quest to be more transparent, this post has been difficult for me to write and may seem a bit whiny at first. Please bear with me...I actually have a point that I am trying to make. *Also, it's important for me to say that I have many wonderful friends that bless me just by being part of my life!!!*

The past year has been a time of growth, self-reflection, and healing. It has been tough but rewarding. However, this week has been a particularly difficult one for me. I feel that God has been speaking to my heart things that I didn't want to hear. I feel like a child covering her ears and saying "Lalalalala...I can't hear you!"

The saying goes..."People come into your life for a reason and a season."

Can I be honest and say that I hate this saying?! I agree with it but I hate that this is true. When I love someone, I love them...warts and all. Here is the hard part for me...I give too much of myself...then expect the same in return! If this doesn't happen, I am deeply wounded...and I mean deeply! I take this as a personal rejection. Then I hold onto anger, bitterness, and resentment...for WAY too long. I sometimes choose people that are unable to give back what is given to them. That being said, some people have come into my life...and left. When people leave, whether by my choice, their choice, or a mutual agreement, it hurts.

"God doesn't give you the people you want, he gives you the people you need. To help you, to hurt you, to leave you, to love you, and to make you the person you were meant to be"

Now, for the growth part...my filter is broken...in many ways! One is in the way that I choose those that I place closest to me. The other is in the ways that I "hear" what others say. I have been at places in my life in which I simply was unable to be there for anyone else. I was selfish! Aren't we all at various times in our lives? I have been at this place at times...and I have lost friends because of it. This didn't make me a bad person...just as it doesn't make anyone else a bad person. Let me also clarify that being in a "selfish" place is not necessarily a bad place. Often times, I feel that God places us there...as a time for growth. Growth is an individual thing...no other person can help you with it or tell you how to do it. It is just God and you! For me, these times are painful and lonely. It feels like a caterpillar in a cocoon. The beauty of this is what happens on the other side. We emerge as a beautiful butterfly. Unfortunately and luckily, unlike a butterfly, we will go back into the cocoon for growth and change again...and again...and again!

I am thankful for those that have come and gone from my life. I do have many friends that have been there for 5...10...or 20 years! Do I miss the ones that have left? Absolutely! I was emotionally invested in their lives. So many times, my heart aches to have them in my life again.

Do I see why God removed them from my life? Absolutely! Growth is hard ...and sometimes certain relationships stunt the growth of both parties.

Do I hold anger, resentment, and hurt toward these people? I wish that I could say that I have let go of all of that. I am proud to say that I have let go of A LOT of that...and am working daily to let go of all of it. My prayer is that I will always easily forgive...let go and let God.

I am a work in progress! I am not a bad person and neither were my friends. I am so thankful for the lessons that God has taught me through each and every person that has been in my life. I know that He has a plan for me, and I know that He will continue to put people in my life to touch my heart and soul so that he can mold me! I am so blessed that He lets me keep some of them!

Day 30 of 30: God

I am thankful for:

God!

I left the best for last! I am so thankful for such a wonderful, forgiving, loving, and merciful God! What is not to be thankful for?

Day 29 of 30: Extended Family

I am thankful for:

Extended family!

This is my husband's family that have welcomed me as one of their own. We spent Thanksgiving with them this year. I am thankful to have these people in my life.

Day 28 of 30: Love

I am thankful for:

Love!

This is one of my favorites! I LOVE love! I love all of the people that love me...and I love to give that love back!

Day 27 of 30: Larry

I am thankful for:

Larry!

Larry is our elf. He comes to visit every year at Christmas time. My youngest daughter's birthday is at the end of November. The past 2 years we have sent an email to Santa asking if Larry can come after her birthday so that he can spend Thanksgiving with us. This has been her birthday wish, and, luckily, Santa has granted it.

Larry is a messy little guy. We never know what to expect every morning when we wake up. He has had a snowball fight with marshmallows, made it "snow" by shredding toilet paper, built a zipline through our den, and so much more. What I am most thankful for with Larry is the smile that he puts on my children's faces! Priceless!

Day 26 of 30- Good health

I am thankful for:

Good health!

In February of 2010, I stopped smoking. In order to do so, I signed up to compete in a triathlon. Since then, I have completed numerous 5K's, 2 triathlons, 2 long distance bike events, and 6 Half Marathons. I am so thankful that God has blessed me with the health and ability to complete these goals.