You deserve it!

The other day I heard a person stating how blessed they feel in their life right now. Their friend responded with "I am so happy for you because You deserve it". Really? Do we deserve happiness?

Does the single mom that works hard every day to provide for her family and tries to bring her children up in a godly manner DESERVE for her car to break down? Does she DESERVE a new car?

Does the father that beats his wife and children DESERVE a promotion at work? Does he DESERVE to be severely injured in an accident? Do his wife and children DESERVE to be treated in that manner?

The answer to all of these questions is NO! None of us DESERVE good or bad things to happen in our life.

What if we got what we deserved? I'll be honest...I pray that God doesn't give me what I DESERVE! There have been many times in my life that I have been in blatant disobedience to God. If I had gotten what I deserved, I am pretty sure that I wouldn't be alive today.

Often what we do get is GRACE. The definition of grace is getting something that you do not deserve.

The bible says Galatians 6:7
"Do not be deceived: God is not mocked, for whatever one sows, that will he also reap."

I do believe that, if we put good out into the world, that we will get good in return...BUT...we don't DESERVE it, nor are we guaranteed it. All we can do is pray for grace!

What are your thoughts on this?

Running the race...

Sherry Arnold was a wife, mother, teacher, daughter, and friend to many. She went out for a run on January 7, 2012 and never came home. Two men have admitted to killing her but her body has not been recovered. Yesterday was a virtual run in her honor and memory. Her cousin asked everyone to print out a bib and just run/bike/skate/exercise. So, The Hubs and I went for a 12 mile run in memory of a runner that I will never meet.

While running, we stopped at a convenient market to get some water. One of the employees asked if we were in a race. I explained that we weren't in a race but we were running in memory of Sherry.

After I left the store, I realized that we were actually running a race. We are all running a race everyday. We are running because we can...because we are breathing...because we are physically capable...because we want to be more emotionally capable daily. We are running the race of life...of compassion...of kindness...of determination...and hopefully to make a change, in our lives and that of others.

During the 12 mile run, I thought about Sherry and her family. I prayed that her body would be recovered so the family could have closure. I prayed for strength for her husband and children. I prayed for the safety of all runners. I prayed that this tragedy would mean something. I was very proud to have a very minor part in this very large cause.

I am capable

Driving in my car the other day, I heard a song by Matthew West. The lyrics went like this:
"I know I'm not strong enough to be
Everything that I'm suppose to be
I give up, I'm not strong enough

Hands of Mercy, won't You cover me?
Lord, right now, I'm asking You to be
Strong enough, strong enough
For the both of us"

It dawned on me that I don't always have to be strong. I will seek Him first, but He also wants me to lean on others...

I have always been independent...and strong...and, well, capable. There are many things that I can do for myself, such as changing a flat tire, replacing a light fixture, hanging my own crown molding...things that a girl isn't "suppose" to know how to do. I am so thankful that my dad taught me these things. I am so thankful that my parents taught me how to be capable.

Sometimes, though, this can be a self-defeating attitude. When we feel so capable, this becomes a impermeable wall for others, like a brick fortress to keep others out. An attitude that we "know everything" and "can do everything" causes others to feel that they have nothing to offer us. As much as God wants us to lean on Him, he also wants us to lean on one another.

In Proverbs 18:1, it states "Whoever isolates himself seeks his own desire; he breaks out against all sound judgment."

When I think about "seeks his own desire", pride is the first word that comes to mind. Do we so often not ask for help out of pride? Why is it so wrong in today's society to say "I need help"? God made us to be interdependent. He obviously knew that we would need each other...or else Eve would have never come along. :O)

As I get older, it is easier for me to recognize and admit to my "weaknesses". A weakness does not mean a person is weak and incapable. On the contrary...it takes a lot of strength to admit these things. By doing so, I feel stronger...and supported...and loved.

One of the first songs that I learned as child stated "When I am weak, you are strong"...

...Isn't this what friendship and love are all about?

Something new...

I have been wanting to try Zumba for a couple of years. This weekend I had the opportunity to take a class that a friend of mine was teaching. I was actually pretty excited! I had an image of me getting my groove on like I used to do "back in the day"...you know, back before kids, back in the single days when we would go to a club and dance all night long.

I think that I forgot that back in the day...I had a couple of drinks PRIOR to getting my "groove" on. So, although I THOUGHT that I could dance, the reality might have been something totally different. My Zumba experience was probably a little more like the picture below:

I often say that if people could be inside my head during a long run, they would wonder why I run. Those voices are fightin' each other! I feel a little "Sybil-ish" and it gets a little scary!

That being said, I thought that I would take you on the journey of the thoughts in my head during my Zumba experience.

"Ok, let's get this thing started"
"Wait, I just got the last steps, now we are moving on to something else?"
"Ok, I got this...oh no...I don't"
"What? You have got to be kidding? Normal people can't move their hips like that"
"Oh my! Really? I've only been doing this for 5 minutes"
"Was that left then right?"
"I really think that I need a shot of Tequila right now. I realize it's only 7:00 in the morning but..."
"Yes, little old lady beside me, I understand that I am supposed to move like THAT. Keep your hips to yourself!"
"Ok, warming up...maybe I don't look too bad"
"Yeah, not so Footloose over here"
"What's the likelihood that the water cooler is filled with Tequila?"
"Hmmmm, it's 7:28 so that means, I only have to do this for 32 more minutes. I can do this"
"I wonder if anyone would notice if I left. My purse is right over there. If I ran really fast, I could get out of the door without anyone noticing. I would be like Speedy Gonzalez"
"How much time could I kill if I took a bathroom break?"
"I remember that move from the days of Action Aerobics"
"Finally, getting this a bit...only missing about every 4th step"
"Only 18 more minutes...I can do this"
"I got this...I'm sexy and I know...I workout"
"NO, I definitely DO NOT have this. I want to go home!"
"Yeah, I don't know anything about a party with 5 kinds of nachos! I just want to be put out of my misery" (For those that didn't know, that's a song)
"Slowly....gettttinnng this."
"Only 11 more minutes...I can probably do this"
"S, I know that we are friends but how in the world can you be so peppy and move like that...I have decided that I hate you!"
"Ok, hate seems a little harsh..."
"Oop...there it is...figured out that little booty shake move there"
"Now, I only have 8 minutes left...I can do this"
"Yay! This is the last song!"

So, yeah, I tried it...marked it off my bucket list...

Will I try it again? Hmmm, maybe...but not in public.

Sidenote: I love my friend, S, who taught the class. She truly is a fantastic Zumba instructor. She can really move, gets everyone pepped up, and is so encouraging to us coordinately-challenged people.

Transparency

Ephesians 4:25
'... let each other of you speak truth with his neighbor for we are members of one another.'

Transparency doesn't come easy for me. I am doing better today than I have before. I don't have anything to hide...except maybe myself. Transparency is exposing yourself...your weaknesses...your vulnerability...your failures. As a "recovering perfectionist", this is difficult and uncomfortable.

And I get it wrong...a lot! I feel like the woman in the window. You can see me but the window of transparency is broken. There are often times that I am trying to express a thought, a feeling, or a point...and I go about it all wrong. I am a toddler learning to walk. I get it wrong, and I fall down. I will continue to get back up and try it again. I will try not to apologize for being myself...for exposing myself...for exposing my thoughts. But I will try again...and again..because this is important to me.

Please bear with me as I muddle through this that is unknown...this that is uncomfortable...this that feels vulnerable and exposed.

Go with me!

I am nervous about writing this particular post. I am so worried that I won't do it justice but I feel that it needs to be written. Please, Lord, give me the words.

Tomorrow will be 8 years since my father passed away. This is the story of the gift that he left us in his last hours on this Earth...

Hospice was called in. He was brought home from the hospital so that he could die his way...with dignity...in his own bed.

On January 10 around 12:30 a.m., it started. He woke all of us because he had a story to tell. A story that would take almost 4 hours. He would talk a little and sleep a little.

He asked if we heard the train. "Woooo...woooo...woooo!" He looked at my mom and said "Well, I guess that I had better get on". When the ride ended, he was at the bottom of the mountain. As he exited the train, he looked at all of us and said:

"This is the most beautiful place that I have ever seen. The flowers are every color of the rainbow. The sky is the bluest that you have ever seen. The smell is like nothing that I have ever smelled."

"There is a cherry tree. It's been blown down but it still smells so wonderful."

"Do you hear that? The angels are singing. The sound is like candy to my ears. I can't believe how magnificent this is."

My dad always had an amazing way of telling a story. Everyone wanted to hear every word. He took you to that time, that place, that feeling. This time was no different.

Our spouses were called in...knowing that his time was coming to an end. He started telling them of the beauty that he was experiencing. "Oh, and the women...they are gorgeous...hoochie, hoochie" Now, as much as I know that this is inappropriate, I felt the need to add it...because...well, if you knew my dad, then you understand. He could always appreciate a beautiful woman! We all got a good laugh from that.

When he got to the top of the mountain, he could see a huge feast at the bottom but wasn't quite sure how to get there. About that time, he said "Oh, Bubba is here . He is going to help me." Bubba was my cousin that died when he was about 17 years old.

As they walked, my dad talked about the people and things that he would see. All of the people were acquaintances that he had met throughout his life, but not family members. When he got to the bottom of the mountain, he talked about the long line. He said "Well, I guess I should get in line."

Another thing about my dad is he LOVED to cook. He LOVED food! He loved to cook for others. While he was standing in line, he kept telling us about all of the foods that were on the feast tables.

Then...he was there...at the "pearly gates". He stretched his arms out in front of him, looked at my mom and said "Oh, Patty...he's gorgeous. He's reaching his arms out for me". My mom told him that he needed to go. But he couldn't...

My dad loved life...he loved us...he loved God. He still had one more thing to do. He loved to talk to people about Jesus and how much He loves us. He would witness to anyone that would listen...and even those that wouldn't! This was his final witnessing moment...

He looked at each one of us individually and said "Go with me!" At the time, we thought he was scared because he didn't want to leave us. We told him that he had to go alone. He kept saying..."Go with me!" Each of us told him that we would come but at another time.

Finally, he started talking about loved ones that he saw. He saw his dad and mom. Then he got very emotional. He saw her...and she was whole...and she was healthy. "It's Joy. Mom has her." Joy was his 1st daughter that died when she was 3 days old. She had a birth defect. Doctors were unable to save her.

We all told him to go, we would be alright, and would see him again. There wasn't a dry eye in the room. It was the most emotional moment that I have ever had the privilege to experience.

With that, he closed his eyes and passed over.

Some people wonder if there is a heaven or a God. Because of this GIFT that my father gave me, I KNOW there is a heaven and a God because I got to experience it. When my dad was asking us to go with him, what he meant was "Make sure that you go with me. Make sure that you accept God as your savior".

He loved us so much that he wanted to be sure that he saw us again. I think that he loved us almost as much as God does. That's a whole lot of love.

I tell this story because I think it needs to be told...

and also to say...

"Go with me!"

Memorymaking

Tonight I asked my oldest daughter, Lauren, what one of her favorite memories was? She said it was the time that my mom and I took her sister and her to Gatlinburg. Then I remembered "The Picture".

I had to find it!!!

Now, look a little closer...

As you can see, it's probably not her sister's favorite memory. Lexie did NOT want to ride that roller coaster but she did it anyway.

I have been with my husband for 16 years, and I love how he tells the same stories over and over. Occasionally (or should I say rarely) he tells a story that I have never heard. Usually, though, it's the same stories. Like the time that his family got a cat. This cat apparently had some emotional issues, and his mom told them that they had to get rid of it. So, she piled her kids in the car, drove down to the pet store...here's the funny part...my husband got out of the car with the cat, opened the door to the pet store, tossed (gently) the cat inside, ran back to the car, and they took off!

Some of my favorite memories are like little sniplets of time in my mind: watching a volcano explosion on my honeymoon in Costa Rica, having lunch dates with Lauren before Lexie was born, and snuggling on the couch with Lexie when she was 3 watching her favorite show, Lazy Town. Lexie talks about those snuggle times often. I think they are her favorite memories also.

For me, memorymaking is about family, friends and love. We don't always set out to make a memory. They often happen when we least expect it. They become etched in my mind and on my heart. I feel warm and fuzzy when I talk about these times in our life.

Memories make a life...good, bad, or indifferent. Everyday we have an opportunity to create a story that makes up our life. My goal is to create a long list of memories for those that I love...that write a story of a life full of love and lived to the fullest. I hope that I instill these feelings in my children too.

Live a life full of memories...

Get on that roller coaster...even if you are scared to death!!!

What is your favorite memory?

Difficult People

"We should love one another" 1 John 3:10

There are people in my life that are difficult to love. No matter how much I limit my time with them or am around them, I have a difficult time loving them. I dread seeing them. I dislike how just their presence creates tension in my world. I abhor how I allow them to make me feel.

I have tried praying...I have tried ignoring...I have tried kindness. What I have found is that I can't force it...I just don't like spending time with them.

In light of my last post and my 2012 mantra of "Living in Love", I need to figure this out. My heart is not speaking from love.

"For God is greater than our hearts, and he knows everything" 1 John 3:19

1 John discusses loving one another. This is a chapter that I will be reading...and rereading this year. I need it to pour into my soul. I need to feel it...to believe it.

"We love because He first loved us" 1 John 3:20

God loves me so much that He sent his only son to die for MY sins. He loves me so much that there is a place in His heart that only I can fill! ME?! How is that possible?

I can be difficult to love at times. I can be moody. I can be angry and hateful. Who isn't? But...He still loves me. He shows grace to ME!

Who am I to think that it is not my responsibility to extend the same grace to others...to these difficult to love people?

So I will continue to pray...pray for them...pray for me...continue to ask God to soften those hard places in my heart. I will continue to "act as if" these things are completed in me...until I no longer have to act...because...now...I love these people...and see them as children of God that are hurting. Then I will pray that God heals them and softens the hard places on their hearts.

Or maybe...I have it wrong...maybe I need to pray both things at the same time.

How do you deal with difficult people?

Living in Love

"Let your gentleness be evident to all" Philippians 4:5

My mission statement for 2012 is "Living in Love". I want to be more loving. I recently read the following prayer: God please soften the hard places of my hearth.

There are definitely hard places that are in need of being softened in my heart.

"God has not given us a spirit of fearfulness, but one of power, love and sound judgement"
2 Timothy 1:7

The bible states that we are not to be fearful. Today I read both the Philippians verse and the 2 Timothy one. This is confusing to me and speaks to my heart at the same time. Gentleness and not showing fear feel like an oxymoron to me. Gentleness can feel like vulnerability...vulnerability can feel like weakness...weakness can feel like fear. However, I love how God put this out there for me to see it. If I want to "Live in Love", it will take a fearless spirit to show my gentleness.

I asked God to take my life and use me for His will...to help me by emptying me of me & filling me with Him. Basically, help me, Lord, to let go of my control on my life. Help me by speaking to me and guiding me for Your plans for me.

Then I read Isaiah 48:17:
"I am the Lord your God
Who teaches you what is best for you
who directs you in the way you should go"

From today's devotional , I got the following: gentleness, fearlessness, and allow God to teach me. If I release my control and allow God to guide my life, He will show me how to be fearlessly gentle.

Wow...powerful stuff! How blessed am I to be loved by a God that speaks to my heart so that He can smooth over the rough spots?

Filters, Growth, and Forgiveness

In my quest to be more transparent, this post has been difficult for me to write and may seem a bit whiny at first. Please bear with me...I actually have a point that I am trying to make. *Also, it's important for me to say that I have many wonderful friends that bless me just by being part of my life!!!*

The past year has been a time of growth, self-reflection, and healing. It has been tough but rewarding. However, this week has been a particularly difficult one for me. I feel that God has been speaking to my heart things that I didn't want to hear. I feel like a child covering her ears and saying "Lalalalala...I can't hear you!"

The saying goes..."People come into your life for a reason and a season."

Can I be honest and say that I hate this saying?! I agree with it but I hate that this is true. When I love someone, I love them...warts and all. Here is the hard part for me...I give too much of myself...then expect the same in return! If this doesn't happen, I am deeply wounded...and I mean deeply! I take this as a personal rejection. Then I hold onto anger, bitterness, and resentment...for WAY too long. I sometimes choose people that are unable to give back what is given to them. That being said, some people have come into my life...and left. When people leave, whether by my choice, their choice, or a mutual agreement, it hurts.

"God doesn't give you the people you want, he gives you the people you need. To help you, to hurt you, to leave you, to love you, and to make you the person you were meant to be"

Now, for the growth part...my filter is broken...in many ways! One is in the way that I choose those that I place closest to me. The other is in the ways that I "hear" what others say. I have been at places in my life in which I simply was unable to be there for anyone else. I was selfish! Aren't we all at various times in our lives? I have been at this place at times...and I have lost friends because of it. This didn't make me a bad person...just as it doesn't make anyone else a bad person. Let me also clarify that being in a "selfish" place is not necessarily a bad place. Often times, I feel that God places us there...as a time for growth. Growth is an individual thing...no other person can help you with it or tell you how to do it. It is just God and you! For me, these times are painful and lonely. It feels like a caterpillar in a cocoon. The beauty of this is what happens on the other side. We emerge as a beautiful butterfly. Unfortunately and luckily, unlike a butterfly, we will go back into the cocoon for growth and change again...and again...and again!

I am thankful for those that have come and gone from my life. I do have many friends that have been there for 5...10...or 20 years! Do I miss the ones that have left? Absolutely! I was emotionally invested in their lives. So many times, my heart aches to have them in my life again.

Do I see why God removed them from my life? Absolutely! Growth is hard ...and sometimes certain relationships stunt the growth of both parties.

Do I hold anger, resentment, and hurt toward these people? I wish that I could say that I have let go of all of that. I am proud to say that I have let go of A LOT of that...and am working daily to let go of all of it. My prayer is that I will always easily forgive...let go and let God.

I am a work in progress! I am not a bad person and neither were my friends. I am so thankful for the lessons that God has taught me through each and every person that has been in my life. I know that He has a plan for me, and I know that He will continue to put people in my life to touch my heart and soul so that he can mold me! I am so blessed that He lets me keep some of them!